It was calm; there was no movement; all was serene. The sound of soft relaxation music filled the air with the sweet sound of her relaxing voice. All was peaceful; all was tranquil; all was at rest. There was nothing but stillness and breathing – gentle breathing in and out. A delicate voice guiding her through the moment, always encouraging her to let go, to release. There was a beauty in the moment; a beauty that cannot be perfectly described; a beauty that could only be felt with the heart, with the soul, with the essence of her being. It was a solitude in her hectic life. It was a place for her to be quiet; to be still; to be alone. Alone, but in a group of likeminded souls. Calm, yet focused. Breathless, yet breathing from within. Still.
Panic! Panic flooded her mind; panic flooded her soul; panic snapped her eyes open with gut-wrenching force. It was a farce. It was futile. It was her biggest mistake. Ever. Tears welled in her eyes; she swore not to cry in public, not to cry during meditation, not to cry at all. Her life flashed before her eyes: it was a disaster. Nothing was what it should be – everything was just a charade she played to placate others – nothing was real. Her life was a joke; only god knew the punchline. Devastation flooded through her: when will they know she’s a fraud? what will they say? how will they act? Yet, a bigger question plagued her: who are “they”? Fear crept in; how could she face them knowing what she was hiding? Anger took a side seat for the time being; there would be time for that later. Not now. Melancholy found its home in her soul, feeding off every thought, every image, every breath. Her heart raced – she could not break down here; not in the centre of the peacefulness, not with others to see. Her soul screamed in agony; a hot dagger of dread burned through her heart, scorching and scarring. Torture followed dread: it was a party not to be missed. Her heart howled as it realised her predicament: her life was not supposed to be like this. She was destined for better; she had been glamoured by unobtainable desires; desires she never acknowledged. Until now. Now that it was too late. Now that her fate had been sealed; her actions condemned her. It was time for the last resort. One option remained. Death. Or die trying.