I want to make pretty things…

That’s what I want to do. I want to make pretty things. Pretty things like beautiful prose, lovely jewellery, and cute teddy bears to warm people’s hearts. I used to be so creative with my life – making things, designing rooms, painting pictures – but I’ve lost myself in the “corporate” world where there is only pressure to perform, to get to the next level, to do even better than before. I’m lost because I lost time to be creative and if I had the time, I had lost the energy to let my mind be creative. I love my “corporate” work, but I miss being creative. I miss making pretty things – I want to make pretty things again.

This year I have a chance to change my life; I have a chance to make pretty things. If I make pretty things and I work out how I can make it part of my life, I think this year is a win. But I haven’t made progress just yet; I have pretty things to be made – I just have lost my time a little with the rush and urgency of surviving here. I want to reclaim time to make pretty things and stop “wasting” time doing those things that suck my time and energy but don’t produce what I want them to produce.

I guess this is kind of a reorienting idea; I want to do my life differently and change what I do. If I want to leave the “corporate” world, then I need to make this year count and I need to use my time more wisely. I want to reinvigorate my passion for creation and for making pretty things. I want to reclaim what my soul is and what it desires to be. I want to become more of me.

Cluj Botanic Gardens: Pretty things

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How much do I love you?

You’ve never asked me this question, but I ask myself.

Every day, I wonder, how can I tell you how much?

I begin with the cliches: “I love you as deep as a river, as high as a mountain…”

But this wrong. Wrong in so many ways.

I’ve told you that I don’t have the words to explain my love.

You said I have a way with words.

You’re right; I do.

But I don’t have a way for this.

My love for you is larger than the distance between us;

it’s brighter than the full moon on a clear night;

it’s deeper than the darkest depths before the sun rises;

it’s warmer than soft puppies breath;

it’s that spark like a twinkling star at night;

it’s that hitch in my breath when your image pops into my head;

it’s that moment when my mind wanders and it wanders into your arms;

it’s my blood;

it’s my heartbeat;

it’s all that I am,

and more.

Simply, I love you.

Image

screwed up

My mind is screwed up;

I did it to myself again;

I gave my all when it wasn’t mine to give;

I bared it all when I needed to veil my inner self.

 

I know better than to do what I did;

I know that you know better than I do;

I know that it was just a game to you;

I know that it was passing time for you.

 

For me, it was a revelation;

For me, it was a release;

For me, it was a salvation;

For me, it was a paradise.

 

Time drew us together, now it draws us apart;

Time waits for no heart, for no mind;

Time marches on relentlessly, endlessly;

Time heals, so they say.

 

Life is complicated; life complicates;

Life is wonderful; life wanders;

Life is expression; life expresses;

Life is … life is.

Haiku dreams

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Alone I lie here
Dreaming of us together
Breathing our future.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A world away now
Tomorrow a day closer
Now is all we have.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Every moment
With you, with me, together
Treasured memory.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A stolen moment
Here, there, a brief glimpse of joy
A tale to be told.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Set me free from it:
The undeniable truth
Love from me to you

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

redefining the landscape

The landscape within. Redefining the landscape within.

It’s time – there’s no doubt about it. While my inner landscape has been undergoing renovations over the past few years, I haven’t considered a complete redefinition. Yet. But I think it’s time. The renovations have been moving along quite well, but it still has the same basic landscape – just some different colours or pictures on the walls or hobbies to keep the mind occupied. So, I think it’s time to consider a complete redefintion.

Redefine = give a new or different definition to

I will redefine the landscape within so that I can become more comfortable with what I am becoming; so that I can fit into my new skin more easily. It’s difficult to fit into something that doesn’t fit anymore – it’s time to redefine so it fits more appropriately. This doesn’t mean that I’ll throw away the renovations and start again – some of the renovations have been quite good. Some could use a colour change, but the general gist of them has been positive and worth pursuing. Maybe part of the redefinition can be an adaptation to include the different renovation areas where they sit naturally – an expansion of sorts – perhaps even an unlimited space to grow and be. Perhaps I will focus on the process of redefinition rather than the end result – this might be the way that will best allow a full exploration of what the redefined landscape might enable.

So where do I start with it all? I’ve got the idea – but where to start, where to start… Maybe it’s better if I don’t define where to start and just let it happen organically. Once I put the idea into the universe, I know that it will begin to take shape in the way that it’s meant to be – the way I need it to be – the way that’s right for me. So, here goes…

redefine

A year ago…

…we met. I looked at you and I told myself “NO.” I was quite emphatic with it, too. I told myself that I couldn’t do it – that it wasn’t a good idea – that it was “not an option”. I went against my intuition and resisted my heart. I tried to look away; I tried to remind myself that I was “just visiting”. I told myself that I couldn’t do it – that it was unworkable. I met you and I knew that it was *you*. As much as I tried to deny it, as much as I tried to convince myself that I must be wrong, it didn’t work. I think I lasted about 30 minutes before I knew that I couldn’t keep ignoring what my heart was screaming at me. It was screaming so loud. So very loud. It gave me a headache – not to mention a heartache.

So, we started gently, slowly. We started from the beginning. We started with nothing but long conversations and heartfelt desires. The time was never enough – we were always wanting more time. We found time. We found ways around the obstacles thrown in our path. We talked. We walked. We were able to just “be” with each other. We didn’t need to talk – we could feel. Our minds and souls talked in our silence. They talked with each other in a language that was so complicated that we could only feel it. Our souls connected; our hearts connected; our lives connected, never to be the same again.

We talk constantly; we plan our future; we plan our way. We take it one step at a time. We talk about the next step, not five steps down the track. We focus on building our world; we focus on creating our future. Even though we are separated physically, we are always together: we look at the same moon every night; we breathe the same in this earth; we see the same sun rise every morning. While distance may separate us physically, it cannot separate our hearts, minds, or souls: they are connected in a way that cannot be broken by space or time.

We’ve had tough times; we’ve had amazing times. We’ve played by the rules; we’ve done everything “right”. We’re still doing it right – we’re still going strong. The universe will conspire to bring us together physically. We just need to have a little more patience. A little more time to be where we are. A little more time to be ourselves. A little more time to be.

You’ve been amazing, incredible, unimaginably wonderful. You read my mind and answer my questions without my asking; you see me and you know what I need; you understand my complications, my intricacies, my innermost being. You know me – you’ve known me since you first saw me. Thank you.

I see you. I hear you. I feel you. I understand.

Together we can. We will.

A song that feels right for tonight. For now. For you. For me. ♥