Reflecting on the past 12 months…

So, this post is inspired a little by Estrella’s post on her top five moments of 2013 and a little on today being my birthday. It’s a good day to have a birthday, I think. I like the timing and the day of the year. It really suits me and I enjoy it a lot~ It also means that my Christmas and birthday are over pretty quick and I don’t really have to leave the festive mood once the new year begins…instead, I continue the celebration through to my birthday. One big, long celebration!

Anyway, the point of this post – my top five things in my something-something-th year of life. Here goes:

  1. I lived in Egypt for five months – wow and just WOW!!!!
  2. I travelled to Romania, met Estrella, made a lifelong friend, and was amazed by the country. It is a serious “must go now!” country. Really. I swear I’m not biased. Not a little. (Well, maybe just a *little* teeny bit…)
  3. I was able to seriously indulge in my reading addiction.
  4. I spent some amazing times with my other half. He’s amazing. Truly.
  5. I reconnected with my mother on such a deeper level. So good – so supportive – so beautiful.

It was difficult for me to pinpoint these moments, but they were there among many more moments. As I get older, I realise the value of my relationships and the value of experiences such as travel. I really do. Of course, when I was younger I had many amazing experiences but they were often tainted by following the crowd and not being sure of who I was. Every day I learn a little more about myself and I love myself a little more {in a deeply, honourably good way}. I surprise myself, too – both good and bad surprises. But it’s all part of what makes me who I am. And I love that.

Birthday roses

While this may not be the best photo, it is one full of meaning. Fresh roses picked from the garden at early-o’clock this morning especially for me. They smell divine and have been keeping me company all day while I work. ❤

Bonfire Heart – James Blunt

Video

days like these lead to…
nights like this lead to…
love like ours…
you light the spark in my bonfire heart…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

days like these lead me to you
to your arms
to your warmth

nights like this remind me why
you are my all
you are my only

love like ours gives us
strength
passion
beauty

you spark my flame
my flame ignites your heart
together we are everything
for each other
for us
together

feeding the fire

Image

Donghaksa Temple, Daejeon, South Korea

It was a wintry day; the sky was full of clouds filled with snow just waiting to float down to earth. We walked along the path leading up to the ancient Buddhist temple. You took my hand in yours and shared your warmth, and your heart. As cold as it was around us, between us there was a fire – an eternal fire. Years before, we took a little spark and have been feeding it with love, trust, and experience. Our little spark has grown into a roaring fire and we continue to feed it, not wanting it to die out. Every day we feed more love and trust into our fire, and our experiences – both shared and independent – also give it more fuel to feed from. Our passion ignites us both, even on our tired and “bad” days. We could have melted all the snow around us and started a bushfire on this day, but we chose not to: it was too beautiful so we enjoyed the moments and treasure our memories.

Struggling

I know I’m not playing nice. I see it in my mind – I know I can do better, but I seem to be unable to put it into action. I know what I should do; I know what I should say. I don’t know why I don’t do it, and I don’t know why I am always forgiven. I want to be better – I want to be how I know I can be. I want to come back to being me!

How much do I love you?

You’ve never asked me this question, but I ask myself.

Every day, I wonder, how can I tell you how much?

I begin with the cliches: “I love you as deep as a river, as high as a mountain…”

But this wrong. Wrong in so many ways.

I’ve told you that I don’t have the words to explain my love.

You said I have a way with words.

You’re right; I do.

But I don’t have a way for this.

My love for you is larger than the distance between us;

it’s brighter than the full moon on a clear night;

it’s deeper than the darkest depths before the sun rises;

it’s warmer than soft puppies breath;

it’s that spark like a twinkling star at night;

it’s that hitch in my breath when your image pops into my head;

it’s that moment when my mind wanders and it wanders into your arms;

it’s my blood;

it’s my heartbeat;

it’s all that I am,

and more.

Simply, I love you.

Image

377

It was calm; there was no movement; all was serene. The sound of soft relaxation music filled the air with the sweet sound of her relaxing voice. All was peaceful; all was tranquil; all was at rest. There was nothing but stillness and breathing – gentle breathing in and out. A delicate voice guiding her through the moment, always encouraging her to let go, to release. There was a beauty in the moment; a beauty that cannot be perfectly described; a beauty that could only be felt with the heart, with the soul, with the essence of her being. It was a solitude in her hectic life. It was a place for her to be quiet; to be still; to be alone. Alone, but in a group of likeminded souls. Calm, yet focused. Breathless, yet breathing from within. Still.

Panic! Panic flooded her mind; panic flooded her soul; panic snapped her eyes open with gut-wrenching force. It was a farce. It was futile. It was her biggest mistake. Ever. Tears welled in her eyes; she swore not to cry in public, not to cry during meditation, not to cry at all. Her life flashed before her eyes: it was a disaster. Nothing was what it should be – everything was just a charade she played to placate others – nothing was real. Her life was a joke; only god knew the punchline. Devastation flooded through her: when will they know she’s a fraud? what will they say? how will they act? Yet, a bigger question plagued her: who are “they”? Fear crept in; how could she face them knowing what she was hiding? Anger took a side seat for the time being; there would be time for that later. Not now. Melancholy found its home in her soul, feeding off every thought, every image, every breath. Her heart raced – she could not break down here; not in the centre of the peacefulness, not with others to see. Her soul screamed in agony; a hot dagger of dread burned through her heart, scorching and scarring. Torture followed dread: it was a party not to be missed. Her heart howled as it realised her predicament: her life was not supposed to be like this. She was destined for better; she had been glamoured by unobtainable desires; desires she never acknowledged. Until now. Now that it was too late. Now that her fate had been sealed; her actions condemned her. It was time for the last resort. One option remained. Death. Or die trying.