A clean slate.

The Question: What would you be more of if you let go of the past?

I’m trying this one. I want to work out what is holding me back from my potential. I know I can do this and I know I can do it well. But something stops me. Continually. There’s moments when I can say “Well, just do it already!” and I will start to do it. Then I get distracted or have to do something else that cannot wait. Then I lose the thread again. I look for it everywhere, but to no avail. So what is really holding me back?

This burning question has been burning in me for a while now. I keep coming back to “…but there’s nothing in my past that’s holding me back! I have no regrets and I love who I am, and how I have come to be!” But something is holding me back. Two weeks ago, I think I found out what it might be. It might be fear of success. That’s right – fear of success, not failure. This realisation made me start to think again. Am I fearful of success? What happened after the last time I was truly successful? Let me tell you. I burned out. I crashed. I couldn’t do what they asked (and expected) of me. I bombed out so hard that it’s taken me at least a year to recover. (Yes, a year is not that long, but in my life, it’s painfully long. Let me digress for a moment. Imagine being separated from your loved one for an entire year because some government official wrote a silly sentence that meant that everything was not “safe” anymore despite the world around them being safer than ever before. It’s like weather forecasters who don’t look out the window to see the sunshiny beautiful day, but would rather imagine the rain and create the sounds of the rain. Being separated because of one person’s introverted, convoluted view on the situation. Frustrating. It’s like that.)

So, if I look back into my past and see that I have a fear of success and this is holding me back, what can I do to make this change? What would I be more of now if I let that go? What would I be more of?

I would be more of:

  • joyfulness in writing
  • happiness in living
  • confidence in understanding
  • security in loving
  • success in being me.

Not a long list; a long list would not be my reality. I am happy with who I am; I have no regrets; my life has shaped me in ways that I don’t always understand or appreciate at the time, but I love it now. If not for my past, then I would not be who I am today. I love who I am and who I am becoming. For now, though, it’s time for me to face my fear of success. And just succeed anyway.

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…that feeling…

Do you ever get that feeling that something big is about to change? I got that feeling a lot today – and I mean a lot! It started in a workshop when I realised that so many people there were not living in the here and now – in the “real” world – but rather they were living in a theorised world that is full of contradictions, uncertainties, perceptions, and unexplained biases. Not to mention that anything that anyone says or does can be interpreted in so many different ways that it’s probably no use in saying anything at all for fear of misinterpretation.

Then I got it when I re-caffeinated and couldn’t do what I had planned… Another type of “that feeling”, but a “feeling” nonetheless… A feeling that intensified when I went to the other place, too. A feeling of displacement perhaps – or of needing to be somewhere else. Perhaps it’s the lack of sleep – or the nightmares – but it was strong enough to convince me that something has to change. Now.

That feeling came back again when I read the news about SoKo – silly NoKo firing artillery shells and killing soldiers in SoKo. Not good. Not where I want my friends to be at the moment. It’s never been this serious before but today is different. Very different. In some ways I’m glad I’m not there to witness what’s going on, but in other ways I wish I were there with my friends and family. I really don’t like this feeling. Not. One. Bit.

Even right now I’ve got that feeling. It won’t go away. It’s going to be a long restless night.

let it begin!

So, after a reasonable absence from the blogosphere, I plan on coming back with a vengeance… A good one, though… A positive outlook is all that I need and I can do anything. That much, I know. When I get on a positive roll, then it all just flows like a raging river – the thoughts, the ideas, the concepts, the actions, the results – all there, all good, all positive… I’m ready to provide some kick-ass experiences for some very unsuspecting students… Just wait until they actually try to wrap their head around the new look, new feel, new mode of study – all completely interactive, completely engaging, completely immersing, completely authentic, and completely real… it’s going to blow minds and create quite a stir among the ‘traditional’ academics… but so be it – I am here to bring change and bring university learning into the 21st century… at least, that’s how i see my role here and how i want to see it… others see me as ‘that new upstart’, but i see that as such a powerful place to be – i can change it all because no one has any preconceptions about me and my style… bring it on, i say… bring it on!!!