Reflecting on the past 12 months…

So, this post is inspired a little by Estrella’s post on her top five moments of 2013 and a little on today being my birthday. It’s a good day to have a birthday, I think. I like the timing and the day of the year. It really suits me and I enjoy it a lot~ It also means that my Christmas and birthday are over pretty quick and I don’t really have to leave the festive mood once the new year begins…instead, I continue the celebration through to my birthday. One big, long celebration!

Anyway, the point of this post – my top five things in my something-something-th year of life. Here goes:

  1. I lived in Egypt for five months – wow and just WOW!!!!
  2. I travelled to Romania, met Estrella, made a lifelong friend, and was amazed by the country. It is a serious “must go now!” country. Really. I swear I’m not biased. Not a little. (Well, maybe just a *little* teeny bit…)
  3. I was able to seriously indulge in my reading addiction.
  4. I spent some amazing times with my other half. He’s amazing. Truly.
  5. I reconnected with my mother on such a deeper level. So good – so supportive – so beautiful.

It was difficult for me to pinpoint these moments, but they were there among many more moments. As I get older, I realise the value of my relationships and the value of experiences such as travel. I really do. Of course, when I was younger I had many amazing experiences but they were often tainted by following the crowd and not being sure of who I was. Every day I learn a little more about myself and I love myself a little more {in a deeply, honourably good way}. I surprise myself, too – both good and bad surprises. But it’s all part of what makes me who I am. And I love that.

Birthday roses

While this may not be the best photo, it is one full of meaning. Fresh roses picked from the garden at early-o’clock this morning especially for me. They smell divine and have been keeping me company all day while I work. ❤

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I want to make pretty things…

That’s what I want to do. I want to make pretty things. Pretty things like beautiful prose, lovely jewellery, and cute teddy bears to warm people’s hearts. I used to be so creative with my life – making things, designing rooms, painting pictures – but I’ve lost myself in the “corporate” world where there is only pressure to perform, to get to the next level, to do even better than before. I’m lost because I lost time to be creative and if I had the time, I had lost the energy to let my mind be creative. I love my “corporate” work, but I miss being creative. I miss making pretty things – I want to make pretty things again.

This year I have a chance to change my life; I have a chance to make pretty things. If I make pretty things and I work out how I can make it part of my life, I think this year is a win. But I haven’t made progress just yet; I have pretty things to be made – I just have lost my time a little with the rush and urgency of surviving here. I want to reclaim time to make pretty things and stop “wasting” time doing those things that suck my time and energy but don’t produce what I want them to produce.

I guess this is kind of a reorienting idea; I want to do my life differently and change what I do. If I want to leave the “corporate” world, then I need to make this year count and I need to use my time more wisely. I want to reinvigorate my passion for creation and for making pretty things. I want to reclaim what my soul is and what it desires to be. I want to become more of me.

Cluj Botanic Gardens: Pretty things

A clean slate.

The Question: What would you be more of if you let go of the past?

I’m trying this one. I want to work out what is holding me back from my potential. I know I can do this and I know I can do it well. But something stops me. Continually. There’s moments when I can say “Well, just do it already!” and I will start to do it. Then I get distracted or have to do something else that cannot wait. Then I lose the thread again. I look for it everywhere, but to no avail. So what is really holding me back?

This burning question has been burning in me for a while now. I keep coming back to “…but there’s nothing in my past that’s holding me back! I have no regrets and I love who I am, and how I have come to be!” But something is holding me back. Two weeks ago, I think I found out what it might be. It might be fear of success. That’s right – fear of success, not failure. This realisation made me start to think again. Am I fearful of success? What happened after the last time I was truly successful? Let me tell you. I burned out. I crashed. I couldn’t do what they asked (and expected) of me. I bombed out so hard that it’s taken me at least a year to recover. (Yes, a year is not that long, but in my life, it’s painfully long. Let me digress for a moment. Imagine being separated from your loved one for an entire year because some government official wrote a silly sentence that meant that everything was not “safe” anymore despite the world around them being safer than ever before. It’s like weather forecasters who don’t look out the window to see the sunshiny beautiful day, but would rather imagine the rain and create the sounds of the rain. Being separated because of one person’s introverted, convoluted view on the situation. Frustrating. It’s like that.)

So, if I look back into my past and see that I have a fear of success and this is holding me back, what can I do to make this change? What would I be more of now if I let that go? What would I be more of?

I would be more of:

  • joyfulness in writing
  • happiness in living
  • confidence in understanding
  • security in loving
  • success in being me.

Not a long list; a long list would not be my reality. I am happy with who I am; I have no regrets; my life has shaped me in ways that I don’t always understand or appreciate at the time, but I love it now. If not for my past, then I would not be who I am today. I love who I am and who I am becoming. For now, though, it’s time for me to face my fear of success. And just succeed anyway.

one week trilogy

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one week and i fly

with my butterflies to you

perchance united

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a life for two is

a dream more than  imagined

a chance together

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a breath, a hope, ache

a dream, a desire, my love

a wish, a chance, live

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“home”

I need to write something. I need to write this one – it’s been weird for me… The past couple of days I’ve woken up with a particular song – or rather a refrain – in my head – “I’m coming home, I’m coming home; tell the world I’m coming home.”

It’s weird but it got me thinking about the different ideas of home and where my home might be (or where it is). There is a common saying that “Home is where the heart is”, but which part of your heart? When I think about my heart and where it’s at, well, it’s confusing. I physically live in a house I call home and I put my heart into making it feel more like home every day. It’s becoming more than a place where I sleep, eat, and wash – it’s becoming a “home” again. But if we talk about my love – my heart’s love – then it’s not here, it’s a long, long way away (14,500+ kms!). So my love-heart is there, not here. The distance changes, too, as he moves around his country, but what’s 1000km in the scope of 14,500km? But it’s with him – over there – far from me here in my physical home. We make “our” home in cyber space – through telecommunications technology – but it’s not a physical space, even if it causes physical effects. (Occasionally we can meet – but this is only once or twice a year…at the moment…)

Then there’s my family-heart. My family is dispersed around the country and I don’t often see them. When I do see them, I do feel as though I have “come home”, though. This applies to my brothers’ homes and my parents’ home. And then there’s my friends – my friend-heart. This one is slightly more dispersed – they are all over the world! When I am physically with them, I feel at home and I miss them terribly when I’m not with them. When I’m not physically with them, then I’m with them in cyber space and we can talk as though we are together and then cyber space becomes our kind of “home between homes”.

It gets confusing, doesn’t it?

So then, when I wake up with this song’s refrain going through my mind on a non-stop loop, what does it mean to me? Of course, there is one more “home” that I haven’t mentioned – the spiritual home. I don’t want to go there yet, but I can’t rule it out. If this song is going through my head like this every time I wake, then which “home” am I going/coming to? Is it a deep-seated desire to make a “real” home? Or to bring all of my homes together? (Although I do see this as slightly impossible at this point in time.) Or is it the joining of my physical home here with one of my other homes? Or the moving of my physical home to another location that is also “home” to me?

There’s a lot to ponder there and I think it deserves more than a cursory glance and dismissal. They say that dreams are the subconscious speaking, and if this is true, then when you wake up it should be the lasting impression that the dream has had on you… So while I don’t remember my dreams as much these days (which in itself is unusual), maybe my “take home” message is that I want to make a home? To move home? To be home? It’s an odd place to be in at the moment, but it’s a place that I think I need to explore more and feel more. I really do wonder what my subconscious is trying to tell me.

I really do.

dreamscape

…listening to the thunder roll around the ridges… watching the big black mass coming over the hill… flashes of lightening a tantalizing start to the storm… the inner turmoil bubbles to the surface… the future lies awaiting, but is it for her?

…in the dreamscape that is her mind, she wanders freely oblivious to all that surrounds her except one thing: her prince… her mind is curiously never dull – alive with images of possible futures and the occasional insistent stab of reality… the painstaking moment of clarity when the veils drop away from the earth and everything is perfectly clear: this is not her life… thankfully this clarity vanishes after an instant otherwise it might need to be faced…

…bringing joy into her own world, she dreams of another way, another world, another time, another place… another life… one where nothing matters but matters of the heart, mind, and soul… one where the soul can commune with the energies surrounding it in peaceful beauty… one where the stillness of the mind is only briefly interrupted by the rare desire to partake in a frenzy of changing places…

…moving with the flow and living in the moment without the pressures of human life are some of the escapes that she plans as her world constricts around her bringing the inner turmoil bubbling, boiling, to the surface… the ferocity of nature in all her glory strikes a chord with the young one, inviting her to join the fray and release herself to the wild chaos that is the universe… feeling the energy that flows directly from the original source, she begins to sway, to move, to glide, with the rhythm of the earth…

…with a crash of thunder and a burst of lightening, she slams back to reality… not her reality, but one that those around her have built… a reality that she wants to, needs to, escape… a reality that is not of her own choosing, but in some ways of her own making… this reality conflicts with her true self, her true being, and it jars her soul to the core… so penetrating is the feeling of violation that she shudders, she shivers, she shakes… she succumbs…

A year ago…

…we met. I looked at you and I told myself “NO.” I was quite emphatic with it, too. I told myself that I couldn’t do it – that it wasn’t a good idea – that it was “not an option”. I went against my intuition and resisted my heart. I tried to look away; I tried to remind myself that I was “just visiting”. I told myself that I couldn’t do it – that it was unworkable. I met you and I knew that it was *you*. As much as I tried to deny it, as much as I tried to convince myself that I must be wrong, it didn’t work. I think I lasted about 30 minutes before I knew that I couldn’t keep ignoring what my heart was screaming at me. It was screaming so loud. So very loud. It gave me a headache – not to mention a heartache.

So, we started gently, slowly. We started from the beginning. We started with nothing but long conversations and heartfelt desires. The time was never enough – we were always wanting more time. We found time. We found ways around the obstacles thrown in our path. We talked. We walked. We were able to just “be” with each other. We didn’t need to talk – we could feel. Our minds and souls talked in our silence. They talked with each other in a language that was so complicated that we could only feel it. Our souls connected; our hearts connected; our lives connected, never to be the same again.

We talk constantly; we plan our future; we plan our way. We take it one step at a time. We talk about the next step, not five steps down the track. We focus on building our world; we focus on creating our future. Even though we are separated physically, we are always together: we look at the same moon every night; we breathe the same in this earth; we see the same sun rise every morning. While distance may separate us physically, it cannot separate our hearts, minds, or souls: they are connected in a way that cannot be broken by space or time.

We’ve had tough times; we’ve had amazing times. We’ve played by the rules; we’ve done everything “right”. We’re still doing it right – we’re still going strong. The universe will conspire to bring us together physically. We just need to have a little more patience. A little more time to be where we are. A little more time to be ourselves. A little more time to be.

You’ve been amazing, incredible, unimaginably wonderful. You read my mind and answer my questions without my asking; you see me and you know what I need; you understand my complications, my intricacies, my innermost being. You know me – you’ve known me since you first saw me. Thank you.

I see you. I hear you. I feel you. I understand.

Together we can. We will.

A song that feels right for tonight. For now. For you. For me. ♥