destroying what *must* be destroyed – part II

How do you feel about destroying what must be destroyed in your life? Part II

{Follow up post from destroying what must be destroyed}

This question started me thinking about my life and what is truly not necessary in it. It made me realise something about my relationships with my friends – online and offline. It made me start to evaluate the quality of my relationships and to see if there are any that should be “destroyed”. It got me thinking…

In truth, I live a pretty quiet life and don’t often meet my friends. I’m an introvert of sorts – except when I’m in front of 200 students explaining to them about the struggles and issues that some learners face when they are learning in a second (or third, or fourth) language. Then, I’ll happily stand up and sprout “wisdom”. Aside from that, I’m an introvert and I have the best relationships with my friends online. I mean, excluding the people I live with, I would physically talk with about one or two others in a normal week. However, I have numerous conversations going online – emails, chats, Skypes, all that. I could go on Skype or Facebook and find a random friend to start talking with and nothing would be unusual about that mode of communication for us. It would definitely be weirder to pick up a phone and talk to them. Definitely.

I started looking at my Facebook “friends”; those people that I’ve connected with over the years and still share a connection, albeit sometimes tenuous. I looked at my close friends and my not-so-close friends. I also looked at my used-to-be-close friends who I distanced myself from. Yes, I’m talking about that one friend that I used to do everything with, but we grew apart when I stopped initiating interactions. They didn’t initiate interactions. Mutual decision to grow apart? Maybe. Let’s talk about that friend, “F”.

F and I went to school together – we’ve known each other most of our lives. At school, we either loved each other or hated each other. It was a boarding school; it can breed contempt easily. Aside from that, we went to the same university and when I went overseas to work, I found a job for F and F came over, too. This was F’s first experience overseas and we lived together for a while. Until I couldn’t stand it anymore; I moved out. We were still in the same town – the same group of expat friends (because we were seriously limited for choice) – but we managed to avoid each other for a while. Then F left and I stayed. Through emails (waaaay back before Facebook), we stayed in touch. When I wanted a place to chill in another country, we met again and were friends again. And so it continued – we were travel buddies and our mutual connection was a love of travel (because it has to be more than just going to school together). We continued like this for a long time and we made it a ritual: once a year, we’d travel together to a place we’d never been before. We had amazing travels – we saw many different places and countries. We made great mutual friends that we still have today. It was great.

BUT.

(There’s always a “but”.)

When we were together, I was sacrificing myself so that F could have the best experience that F could; I had to give up on what I wanted and just do what F wanted. This wasn’t good. I started to comprehend what this was doing to me but I thought better of F – I thought I was misreading the situation and F’s responses. Maybe I was weak. I thought that it was just me, not F. So, I tried again. And again. And again. Three times – three different situations – three different countries – two different years. I made an effort to try to see that F cared about me and that we were a travel team together. But, no. No. It was all about F and what F wanted and thought. So, after the third trip, I decided that I’d had enough. I was not going to be F’s friend anymore – or rather, I was not going to go out of my way to maintain our “friendship”. It was hard at first – I wanted to share things with F and to travel more together. I wanted to go back to the “good times”, the “fun times” that we had at points in our travels. I couldn’t go back. I learned that I could do it all myself, though.

As expected, F and I grew apart. Now, when it came to an important celebration for me, I had always told F that they would be the first person invited. In truth, I thought long and hard about inviting F and F’s partner. In the end, I did invite them. And they came. This actually surprised me until I realised why they came. They came to see if my life was real and if my happiness was real. They also came to get ideas for their own celebration. To work out if they could do it “better” than I did. I didn’t care – it was just interesting to see that F was up to F’s old tricks again – comparison, competition, selfishness. I thought I was vindicated in my distance. I was glad that I distanced myself from F.

Nine months later, F invited me to a celebration. It wasn’t an easy invite to accept, but I considered that F and F’s partner came to my celebration, so perhaps it was “fair” and “right” that I go to theirs. It was an ordeal to attend the celebration – extensive travel, expensive accommodation, long delays during the celebration – but it was worth going. I realised that nothing had changed and that everything was the same with F. Including that I wanted out of our “friendship” permanently. I want it destroyed. I want it over. It’s draining me, causing me undue stress and just generally unhealthy.

But underneath, I’m not sure I can be that callous. In reality, our only contact is online and it’s relatively sporadic and passive. F only contacts me when they need me, or when they want to show how much better than me they are. A very selfish, one-way friendship, if I can still use that term. I wish things were different; I wish we could be real friends. But then I remember the pain, the constant competition, the constant bettering. That’s exhausting. I don’t need that. I don’t want that. I want out.

Ergo, I shall destroy. Cut ties, remove from contacts, aim for zero connection online and offline.

DML Graphics v13 130919 Logo Square 151x1511 Desire Map for Life

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Inspired by Danielle Laporte and her post on Your relationship to destruction, Goddess Kali, and Fridays with desire. #DesireMap

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destroying what *must* be destroyed

How do you feel about destroying what must be destroyed in your life?

I feel like it’s destroying part of me. Surely everything in my life is there for a reason. Otherwise, I would be smart and destroy it, right? Wrong. This got me thinking. I have things to destroy. So what do I need to destroy?

  • My addiction to work being my “value”.
  • My apparent inability to be happy with who I am.
  • My relationship with F. (More to come in a following post.)
  • My incessant need for absolute financial security, which is tying me to a job that I’m not sure I want.
  • My inability to let go of things.
  • My procrastination. (Tips, anyone?)
  • My time-wasting activities.

To start with, this is a small general list. It needs refinement and explicitness. I am working on it.

Danielle says that in order to create, we must first destroy some things. I agree to a certain level – and I deeply desire creation in my life right now. Ergo, I must destroy.

But first, to round up the voices in my mind that are scared of destruction. Time to go.

DML Graphics v13 130919 Logo Square 151x1511 Desire Map for Life

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Inspired by Danielle Laporte and her post on Your relationship to destruction, Goddess Kali, and Fridays with desire. #DesireMap

I want to make pretty things…

That’s what I want to do. I want to make pretty things. Pretty things like beautiful prose, lovely jewellery, and cute teddy bears to warm people’s hearts. I used to be so creative with my life – making things, designing rooms, painting pictures – but I’ve lost myself in the “corporate” world where there is only pressure to perform, to get to the next level, to do even better than before. I’m lost because I lost time to be creative and if I had the time, I had lost the energy to let my mind be creative. I love my “corporate” work, but I miss being creative. I miss making pretty things – I want to make pretty things again.

This year I have a chance to change my life; I have a chance to make pretty things. If I make pretty things and I work out how I can make it part of my life, I think this year is a win. But I haven’t made progress just yet; I have pretty things to be made – I just have lost my time a little with the rush and urgency of surviving here. I want to reclaim time to make pretty things and stop “wasting” time doing those things that suck my time and energy but don’t produce what I want them to produce.

I guess this is kind of a reorienting idea; I want to do my life differently and change what I do. If I want to leave the “corporate” world, then I need to make this year count and I need to use my time more wisely. I want to reinvigorate my passion for creation and for making pretty things. I want to reclaim what my soul is and what it desires to be. I want to become more of me.

Cluj Botanic Gardens: Pretty things

Sometimes It’s Overwhelming.

Sometimes it’s all so overwhelming – the thought of everything I have to do before the deadlines. Sometimes I become debilitated because there is so much to do. What sane person would try to fit all of this into one day, one life? I keep reminding myself that I need balance – but when it comes to it, I am exhausted. Exhausted by everything – exhausted because I can’t stop – not now, not yet, but soon. Soon, I tell myself, soon. Just one more thing, one more email, one more job on my list… Suddenly, the day is gone and I wonder where it went. I make choices not to do something that I really want to do; why? I really want to do these things, so I need to make time. Starting now. Right now. (I hope!)

A clean slate.

The Question: What would you be more of if you let go of the past?

I’m trying this one. I want to work out what is holding me back from my potential. I know I can do this and I know I can do it well. But something stops me. Continually. There’s moments when I can say “Well, just do it already!” and I will start to do it. Then I get distracted or have to do something else that cannot wait. Then I lose the thread again. I look for it everywhere, but to no avail. So what is really holding me back?

This burning question has been burning in me for a while now. I keep coming back to “…but there’s nothing in my past that’s holding me back! I have no regrets and I love who I am, and how I have come to be!” But something is holding me back. Two weeks ago, I think I found out what it might be. It might be fear of success. That’s right – fear of success, not failure. This realisation made me start to think again. Am I fearful of success? What happened after the last time I was truly successful? Let me tell you. I burned out. I crashed. I couldn’t do what they asked (and expected) of me. I bombed out so hard that it’s taken me at least a year to recover. (Yes, a year is not that long, but in my life, it’s painfully long. Let me digress for a moment. Imagine being separated from your loved one for an entire year because some government official wrote a silly sentence that meant that everything was not “safe” anymore despite the world around them being safer than ever before. It’s like weather forecasters who don’t look out the window to see the sunshiny beautiful day, but would rather imagine the rain and create the sounds of the rain. Being separated because of one person’s introverted, convoluted view on the situation. Frustrating. It’s like that.)

So, if I look back into my past and see that I have a fear of success and this is holding me back, what can I do to make this change? What would I be more of now if I let that go? What would I be more of?

I would be more of:

  • joyfulness in writing
  • happiness in living
  • confidence in understanding
  • security in loving
  • success in being me.

Not a long list; a long list would not be my reality. I am happy with who I am; I have no regrets; my life has shaped me in ways that I don’t always understand or appreciate at the time, but I love it now. If not for my past, then I would not be who I am today. I love who I am and who I am becoming. For now, though, it’s time for me to face my fear of success. And just succeed anyway.

purge

What happens on the inside is creates the torment not visible from the outside; what happens on the inside is personal torture – what we do to ourselves. What happens on the inside is what we control – what we make ourselves feel. What happens on the inside is our own internal struggle to become who we are meant to be. What happens on the inside is torturous. It doesn’t need to be.

Purge. Purge from the inside. Purge the feelings, the emotions, the good, the bad, the ugly. Purge. Purge the mind. Purge the soul. Purge.

Cleanse. Tabula rasa. Start with a clean slate. Start with nothing. Start with emptiness. Start with your soul. Start with your true being.

Build. Build the inside. Build from nothing. Build what is meant to be. Build what is you. Build what is me. Build. Create. Design. Evolve.

Be the phoenix. Rise from the purge, rise from the cleanse. Rise again from the fire within and build what is meant to be. From the fire comes inner strength to be. From the fire comes the ash to start again. Rise from the fire. Rise to build. Rise to create. Rise to design. Rise to evolve. Rise to be. Rise to be the one you are meant to be. Free from the inner turmoil. Free from the existing bonds. Free from the existing chains. Free. Free to be you. Free to be me.

Freedom. Freedom is an expression. Freedom is a truth. Freedom is life. Freedom is free.

Free to be.

redefining the landscape

The landscape within. Redefining the landscape within.

It’s time – there’s no doubt about it. While my inner landscape has been undergoing renovations over the past few years, I haven’t considered a complete redefinition. Yet. But I think it’s time. The renovations have been moving along quite well, but it still has the same basic landscape – just some different colours or pictures on the walls or hobbies to keep the mind occupied. So, I think it’s time to consider a complete redefintion.

Redefine = give a new or different definition to

I will redefine the landscape within so that I can become more comfortable with what I am becoming; so that I can fit into my new skin more easily. It’s difficult to fit into something that doesn’t fit anymore – it’s time to redefine so it fits more appropriately. This doesn’t mean that I’ll throw away the renovations and start again – some of the renovations have been quite good. Some could use a colour change, but the general gist of them has been positive and worth pursuing. Maybe part of the redefinition can be an adaptation to include the different renovation areas where they sit naturally – an expansion of sorts – perhaps even an unlimited space to grow and be. Perhaps I will focus on the process of redefinition rather than the end result – this might be the way that will best allow a full exploration of what the redefined landscape might enable.

So where do I start with it all? I’ve got the idea – but where to start, where to start… Maybe it’s better if I don’t define where to start and just let it happen organically. Once I put the idea into the universe, I know that it will begin to take shape in the way that it’s meant to be – the way I need it to be – the way that’s right for me. So, here goes…

redefine