Sitting here listening

Sitting in a {paleo} cafe surrounded by people: two older gentlemen sitting on one side and two younger ladies sitting on the other side. Both discussing the varieties of life – on one side they’re discussing travel, on the other it’s work. I feel myself sitting here wanting to participate in their conversations and give them some different ideas. I can tell them about travelling in China and Nepal and Jordan; I can tell them about flexibility in jobs and getting the job you really want. From apparently different ends of life and different sides of life, these two pairs of friends are connected through me in the middle – the middle of their conversations, the middle of my life {perhaps, perhaps not}, the middle of my experiences.
My life isn’t extraordinary, in my opinion. But I can talk about travel – I can talk about any of the many amazing countries that I’ve visited. For a long time, my goal has been to travel to more countries than my current age, and so far I’m doing well. I’ve still got a year or two of “no new countries” before I will jeopardise my goal. But I’m not going to fall behind – I have my plans in place. My dream is South America – I will get there. Last year, I fulfilled my dream of Romania – it was amazing! I just want to stop revisiting countries that I’ve been to before (but honestly it can’t be helped!). This year my goal is to take my other half to a new country – one I’ve been to, but one they haven’t – but we will go to new places and have different experiences.
My work is “normal” but I know about flexibility, or lack thereof. In a job where I thought flexibility was crucial, I am finding that I have no flexibility. The theory was that I could do this job anywhere where I had an internet connection, but the reality is that a micromanaging boss wants to physically see me every day. All of my work is online – email, websites, forums, teleconferences, online classes – but my physical presence is desired. In my job that started out with minimal flexibility, I have the most flexibility. I set my time, my workload, my location – everything except the pay rate. (Oh, how I wish I could set that! But I know that I can influence it…) This is the job that I will keep indefinitely – I can plan it around my family, my travel, my hobbies, my desires.
I feel as though I can do anything sitting here in the middle – I could join in the conversation with the older gentlemen and give them some fresh insights; I could join in the conversation with the younger ladies and give them some different ideas.
However, here I sit, doing work and writing a blog post. Ah, this is life!
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exhaustion

Exhaustion. It creeps up slowly. Then it overwhelms. It’s not contagious, but it must be treated with the same care. Constant exhaustion. The inexorable loop and downward spiral. How does it start? It starts small; it gains momentum; it builds up; it becomes an immutable force. It’s here now. Draining, drained.

A clean slate.

The Question: What would you be more of if you let go of the past?

I’m trying this one. I want to work out what is holding me back from my potential. I know I can do this and I know I can do it well. But something stops me. Continually. There’s moments when I can say “Well, just do it already!” and I will start to do it. Then I get distracted or have to do something else that cannot wait. Then I lose the thread again. I look for it everywhere, but to no avail. So what is really holding me back?

This burning question has been burning in me for a while now. I keep coming back to “…but there’s nothing in my past that’s holding me back! I have no regrets and I love who I am, and how I have come to be!” But something is holding me back. Two weeks ago, I think I found out what it might be. It might be fear of success. That’s right – fear of success, not failure. This realisation made me start to think again. Am I fearful of success? What happened after the last time I was truly successful? Let me tell you. I burned out. I crashed. I couldn’t do what they asked (and expected) of me. I bombed out so hard that it’s taken me at least a year to recover. (Yes, a year is not that long, but in my life, it’s painfully long. Let me digress for a moment. Imagine being separated from your loved one for an entire year because some government official wrote a silly sentence that meant that everything was not “safe” anymore despite the world around them being safer than ever before. It’s like weather forecasters who don’t look out the window to see the sunshiny beautiful day, but would rather imagine the rain and create the sounds of the rain. Being separated because of one person’s introverted, convoluted view on the situation. Frustrating. It’s like that.)

So, if I look back into my past and see that I have a fear of success and this is holding me back, what can I do to make this change? What would I be more of now if I let that go? What would I be more of?

I would be more of:

  • joyfulness in writing
  • happiness in living
  • confidence in understanding
  • security in loving
  • success in being me.

Not a long list; a long list would not be my reality. I am happy with who I am; I have no regrets; my life has shaped me in ways that I don’t always understand or appreciate at the time, but I love it now. If not for my past, then I would not be who I am today. I love who I am and who I am becoming. For now, though, it’s time for me to face my fear of success. And just succeed anyway.

let it begin!

So, after a reasonable absence from the blogosphere, I plan on coming back with a vengeance… A good one, though… A positive outlook is all that I need and I can do anything. That much, I know. When I get on a positive roll, then it all just flows like a raging river – the thoughts, the ideas, the concepts, the actions, the results – all there, all good, all positive… I’m ready to provide some kick-ass experiences for some very unsuspecting students… Just wait until they actually try to wrap their head around the new look, new feel, new mode of study – all completely interactive, completely engaging, completely immersing, completely authentic, and completely real… it’s going to blow minds and create quite a stir among the ‘traditional’ academics… but so be it – I am here to bring change and bring university learning into the 21st century… at least, that’s how i see my role here and how i want to see it… others see me as ‘that new upstart’, but i see that as such a powerful place to be – i can change it all because no one has any preconceptions about me and my style… bring it on, i say… bring it on!!!

today’s love…

what is it i love about today? i love….

  • people who accept me without the usual questions
  • knowing that i can work from home if i so choose
  • being able to be me – insecurities and all
  • that nothing is ever set in stone
  • the random kindness of strangers
  • the freedom of living without others watching closely…

if only i could remember this every day and keep my loving lists going… more love, more power, more control, more me…

One Word

Saw this and stole it from James… As he said, it does promise to be much less time-consuming than the introspection required to construct one of those 25 Things lists in circulation. I have also decided to do one by way of procrastination. Procrastination is a hobby for me…

Copy and paste into your own note, then type in your answers. One word only, please.

Where is your cell phone…………………desk
Your hair………………….………………ponytail
Your father………………..……………..hardworking (yes! it is one word!)
Your mother………………..…………….passionate
Your favorite thing………………………..hugs
Your dream last night……………………..racing
Your favorite drink………………………..americano
Your dream/goal…………….……………inspiration
The room you are in………………………office
Your fear………………….………………insufficiency
Where do you want to be in 6 years……..home
Muffins……………….…………………..chocolate
One of your wish list items………………..house
Where you grew up……………………….Korea
The last thing you did…………………..…thought
What are you wearing……………….……dress (don’t laugh! it’s true!)
Your TV……………………………………philistine
Your pets………………….………………future
Your computer…………………………….corner
Your life………………….……………….complicated
Your mood………………….…………….introspective
Missing someone……………….…………now
Your car…………………..………………baby!!
Favorite store…………………………….Loot
Your summer………………..…………….over
Your favorite color………………………..black
When is the last time you laughed……….lunch
Last time you cried………………………..loneliness
Someone who emails me………………….family
my favorite foods………………………..potatoes